RIP Ragnar 2016-2018

Home was not home without you in it.

Dear Ragnar…

Or booooooi, broeder, mow, rags or anything else you would answer to instead of your name ❤

I did not think that today would pan out the way it has. I did not expect a call, THE call that I received this morning and I most certainly didn’t expect that the last time I would give you a good rub down would be last night…

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Anxiety, depression and my body.

Add to the dish a spoonful of self-loathing, a cup of sadness, a dash of doubt and sprinkle a topping of self-disappointment and you’re sure to be left with a recipe for dark day disaster.

I can’t say that sitting in the Primark changing rooms, balling my big brown eyes out, was my finest moment. It was however, a recent moment and one that shook me from the place of comfort that I’ve recently become accustomed too, down a rabbit hole of self pity which I’ve tried my utmost to avoid.

Continue reading “Anxiety, depression and my body.”

I must let you in on a NOT so little secret.

People are a constant reminder to me that I’ve lived my life behind a mask, behind a manmade shield of strength and certainty, behind a facade of stability and success.

I didn’t just wake up one day feeling like an incomplete puzzle. I always felt like I had the corner pieces in place, most of the framework and some areas of togetherness within the body of the picture, though there have always been gaps. Sometimes the gaps felt small and insignificant and I knew that I could come back to them at a later time, I would surely find the pieces I needed. Other times, the gaps were so colossal that I felt like giving up on this puzzle, that the picture wasn’t worth completing. All this time I hadn’t considered that the gaps were there because the pieces were missing entirely, until now. These missing pieces that were balance, emotional stability, self esteem and true happiness had always been assumed to be on the floor, accidentally tucked beneath the corner of a rug or unknowingly swiped off of the table. I never realised that these pieces were never to be found, not because they were lost but because they were never in the puzzle box to begin with.

Continue reading “I must let you in on a NOT so little secret.”