“You are a big girl, you could lose some fat…”
Ever the encouraging words that someone who struggles with weight and body image would LOVE to hear when they are mid conversation. I deflect, I pretend not to be frustrated and annoyed at the absurd notion that a human being feels they have the right to tell another human being how they should and shouldn’t look. That one person would have the audacity to tell another person what they should be doing with their body, let alone a blood relative and supposed family cheerleader. Pot. Kettle. Enough said.
I have had some time to sleep on the lingering insulting comment uttered in my direction and to be honest, short of losing my temper and igniting the already shortened fuse, I am doing my utmost to ‘blow it off’. To not allow those words to cut, maim and affect me as much as they do. But they do.
No, I haven’t always been a ‘big’ girl and you are right, perhaps I could stand to lose some fat content however 2-3 times a week I receive a phone call that is another ignorant comment at my larger sized body. Perhaps the intention is good, perhaps there is no malice meant at the spoken words to which only we give meaning. Perhaps you did not take the time to consider that I, a bigger girl, have more important things to focus on in life right now than being all consumed by my weight.
I can assure you, it is not easy to love yourself when you look in the mirror and see only ways you would like to change or improve how you look. The few things that I do love about myself are aesthetic modifications that I have chosen to make, little things that make looking in the mirror a little easier every day. Clothes shopping is an absolute nightmare because no, I don’t fit into standard store sizes and it is a constant struggle to ensure that dressing for my shape and size does not detract from my ever important desire to stand apart. A day out for personal shopping only means increased anxiety (people, people and more people) as well as the onset of a depressive episode. A reminder that not only am I not happy with how I look on the outside, the girl on the inside is broken to.
The irony is that the broken girl, the girl who allowed herself to balloon in size and put on extra weight is the same girl that you spent years breaking. You spent years physically and mentally hurting her over and over again and still, today, she is trying to figure out new ways to love who she is as a person before tackling who she is as a body… all the while keeping and continuing contact with her abuser.
So my body, my ‘weight’ that you believe I could lose, they have taken a back seat. I am not all consumed by weight loss and dieting and exercise. Despite what you may believe, I do know now what is good for me and my health is the most important part of my everyday life! I nearly died toward the end of 2017, I nearly left my children without a mother and that is not because I wear a size 22 pair of trousers.
In your eyes, I could stand to lose a few kilograms. In my eyes, the importance of being the best human I can be despite my weight is more important. How I look has absolutely no bearing on your life and instead, I believe it best you focus on your own personal goals and achievements as I do the same. I no longer drink alcohol, I do not smoke, I do not even vape and for the last few months I haven’t eaten 4 legged animals either. My journey is a moral one, to be the best human being and mother I can be irrespective of how many extra kilograms you believe I could lose. In reverse, I do not tell you that I believe you drink too much or eat too much and never have I told you that you too should be losing weight because it is not place and to be honest, is not my priority.
So yes, in response to your comment I have had some time to think. You are not wrong, I do have a few kilograms to lose but your constant comments and whispered judgement does nothing but frustrate and anger me. I am a grown, mature, 33 year old adult female with a husband and children of my own. I am more than aware of what is good for me and what is good for my body and I am more than capable of achieving my own goals as and when I see fit… and if I choose not to lose those extra kilograms for the sheer hell of it, that is my decision also.
I am a big girl and I am learning to be proud of it.