Dear long lost friend…
I heard a song today.
This song which, amongst many others, reminds me of you.
I recall a time when this song was burned onto a CD 12 times. I remember sitting in your room, the CD in the little boom box next to your bed. I remember singing, every song, every time. When we reached the end of song 12, we’d start from 1 again. We’d laugh and sing, sing and laugh. We would just BE.
Times were different then.
I told you everything.
The deepest, darkest, dingiest thoughts that were buried in the recesses of this constantly chaotic cage that is my mind.
We were close. So very close.
You were my rock. My best friend. You supported me in every thing that I did in my life, as I did you. Texting until the early hours of the morning, every single night… Sharing our worries, our problems, our ideas and our gossip. Just sharing.
I miss that. I miss you.
It’s funny, we never dated, even though many thought we did. At one point I wanted to, at one point you did too though you’d never admit it. The timing was always wrong and we knew that our relationship would be a toxic one, a relationship that wouldn’t serve either of us well or for very long. We remained the best of friends instead and despite that feeling (the one that was MORE THAN WORDS could explain) we chose to move on with our lives. For the best.
I don’t regret that decision. I love my life, I only wish you were still around to share it with me.
I know you didn’t die. Well, last I heard anyway. It’s been at least 8 years since we spoke and the part of my soul that knows yours is missing you intently. I wish you could tell me of your life, your family, your children. I wish I could tell you of mine. I wish we could sit and listen to the same song on repeat 12 times like we weren’t absolutely stark raving mad but didn’t care what anyone thought anyway.
I wish we could play a game of pool and you’d let me win, again.
I wish we could spin circles around an ice rink, no matter how inferior you made me feel on skates.
I wish we could take long drives to the middle of nowhere with our best people and our favourite songs on the radio.
Since you left my life, anyone who’s entered it has heard of you. Knows your legacy. Hears the stories of a time that was, we were so much younger then even though we thought things were so much more complicated than they were.
I asked about you… to friends, mutual contacts, family. Sometimes I’d get the odd update, less than favourable news. Then the updates stopped coming, I Facebook stalked you less and less. I stopped texting you, knowing I was never going to get a reply…
I don’t know why we aren’t friends anymore. Life just… happened. We always swore we’d be the best of friends forever but I don’t think we accounted for the fact that life was changing, we were changing. Perhaps we outgrew each other? Perhaps we outgrew the mischief and mayhem we would get up to? Perhaps we accepted that in order to move on with our own lives, we had to let go of each other.
I miss you. I think about you every year on your birthday, even though I don’t get a social media calendar reminder (that’s a good friend right?). I think about you every time I hear the anthems of our youth played obscurely as a soundtrack to a movie or series (because we are too old for them to be on the radio now). I think about you every time I see the car that you used to drive come past.
You were such an important part of my life that even though you’re no longer a part of it, you’re so embedded that I can never let you go.
I hope you have found your EXTREME happiness, your place in the world, your calling. I hope you’ve continued to live up to everything I knew you could be.
Hopefully one day we will meet again.